Unfortunate Event.

I'm really upset tonight. In fact I drove all the way to Park City to contemplate everything that I am upset about. Currently I decided to change my major. If you know me at all you know I have changed my major at least six times since attending the University of Utah. Personally I have a hard time staying focused and driven when I am doing something that hardly interests me. This was the case for the past five majors I began and did not complete. So here I am starting my new major and excited about it, thrilled to say the least. New Media is the major I have chosen. It compiles everything I love and everything I want to love. Passion is the missing ingredient in my college endeavors. I think I have found it...
I enrolled in a black and white film photography class this semester. There is something about the integrity of film that is beautiful and so artistic to me. Naturally I was thrilled to get started. I am lucky enough to be able to use my father-in-law's Nikon F100 to to shoot my film. Unfortunately, this camera has so many functions and options and dials, I had no idea where to begin. With the help of some classmates and a user's manual I was able to get a slight hang of how to set it correctly. 
Like I mentioned in my previous post, I have this thing with the Fair. Ever since I went a couple of years ago, it is absolutely necessary that I go every year. I thought it would be interesting to take my metering assignment to the Fair and take pictures of nostalgic old food stands and the ferris wheel. So I did. Unfortunately, today as I was trying to finish up my film to take to class to develop, I realized the frame never changed from frame one on the new pictures I was taking, all of the pictures I took today were taken on that one frame. So I opened the back to see what was going on and exposed my film and ruined it. I was devastated. I can't get those back, the Fair is gone, and so is my motivation to do anything tonight but sulk about my loss. 
Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully something else will inspire me enough to photograph and maybe even be better than the pictures I will never get to see.  

I have the need to write tonight so that is exactly what I am going to do.
I was having an in depth conversation with a friend at work the other day about dreams and ambitions and those dreams we never go for out of fear of failure or simply because we are comfortable with the mundane lives we currently live. It always gets me thinking about everything I want to do and everything I want to become. But the realist inside me tells me it isn't possible. 
Creativity is a necessity in my life and without the creativity in this world I would truly go insane. I am overwhelmingly grateful for the musicians who have brought life to my life, I rely on it. For the people who create beautiful clothing, thank you. To all the people that document life through whichever media they choose, thank you. To the people that respect the simple things and create beauty from them, thank heavens for your perspective on life. 
The ultimate goal in this life is to be happy, so if I were to make one suggestion it would be to do what makes you happy in this life and quit worrying about the obstacles and impossibilities that stand in your way. What makes you any different than the nothings that became somethings? That's why I have chosen to become a something that I want, not the practical choice or the mundane choice. Because quite honestly as much as I am grateful for my current job as a collections representative for a credit card company, I desperately don't want to make it my career. 
If you read all the way to this point, I thank you for reading my nonsense. 


The Doyles said...

Dear Ashley, your writing is beautiful and your feelings flow. I love that we can be thankful for those who "do out of the ordinary" things. Its what makes those things so special, they ARENT ordinary. I've never wanted to be ordinary. So I spend all my time trying do be anything BUT, and forget to do what makes me really happy! Thanks for the reminder that its important to follow your dreams. And for me, even if it means being ordinary. ps Im so sorry to hear about your film. Hey, Park City is a nice drive too.

Megan and Melissa said...

Ashley - Congratulations on your new major...and for following your dreams. I was also sorry to read about the loss of your photos. Sometimes life can be so frustrating and I am often asking why it has to be this way. Thanks for the reminder to do something that in the end makes you happy. Isn't it funny that when you write something for yourself, it usually touches alot of other people you never knew needed to hear it? Thanks so much for writing what you did. It has definitely got me thinking.